Too lost in You
by GetOnTheIce
Summary: Margaret has to decide whether to risk her heart once more or to loose love - maybe forever


_These characters are not mine --- I love them though and want them to feel good! They belong to Fox and I thank the authors and producers of MASH for developing them. I also thank Alan and Loretta for faithfully playing Hawk and Mags for 11 years and giving me so much pleasure. _

TOO LOST IN YOU

I enter the mess tent. Seems like everybody is already there. I look around, studying all the faces again. Once more. For the last time. Many of them, I'll never see again. Everybody is in a good mood, girls chatting with boys, giggling and laughing out loud. I am looking round to catch a gaze of a friend. Nurse Able welcomes me laughingly. The white table cloths seem to be oddly misplaced. The Colonel is already sitting at the end of the table, he smiles and nods, when he recognizes me having finally entered the scene. I feel like an actor in a theater play. The whole scenery is weird, unreal, and I wait for the curtain to fall, to push me back into reality again. Into the MASH unit I know. Into the war.

I hustle my way through the people, staring onto the ground, trying to shut out the voices that penetrate my ears. I take all my willpower to smile. I am feeling depressed. The war is over and I am feeling depressed. I stare in his direction. He is talking to BJ, grinning. I can see his grin, though I am looking at the back of his head. Now BJ recognizes at me and nods. He turns his head to look at me and I quickly stare to the ground again. I don't want to look in his eyes. Potter calls me to sit next to him.

I cheat my way through diner, stuffing my mouth with that rotten food on my plate. I don't want to small-talk. I smile, but inside I feel like crying. I love those people. I don't want to part. I want to take them with me. They are the only friends, the only family, I have. But life doesn't stop. Not even for me. Not now. It goes on and on. It is not waiting until I am ready. Life is cruel. It is dragging away the people I got used to, I estimate highly, I love. Being in the army since I was born I really should get used to that! I kick myself for letting my thoughts run loose. I whip off the tear from my eye and laugh out unnaturally at one of the jokes someone just told.

After diner everybody is at ease. More talking, more laughing. BJ comes over to talk to me. Later Potter asks us to return to our places to share, what we will do afterwards. I feel my throat tightening. I almost burst out in tears while Potter speaks of going home. Kelleye is going to her family, and everybody seems to have a place to go to. A place known. A place called home. Just a spot on a map with a name attached to it, but then again so much more. Then he gets up. He is dead serious. His voice dark, almost painful. I turn to look at him. His shoulders hanging, he tells us about going home. Taking things slowly. He seems so small, so vulnerable. So much not the man who had become my rock during these last months. And then, just like someone turned a switch, he is fooling around, making everybody laugh. I smile. He blames me for keeping everything inside, but he himself doesn't show either. Not a lot.

I stare at him, envying him. He talked so much about his hometown, I feel like knowing it already. Closing my eyes, I can almost see him sitting on the porch, walking on the beach, talking to his father. He sits down and looks me straight in the eyes. He smiles. I want to smile back, but I cannot. His eyes, questioning. I look away. I listen to what everyone has to say. BJ is badly drunk, Charles bores me. Then I get up. I smile. Everybody seems to know, what I will do. But I do have a surprise for them all. A stateside hospital. I bet none would have imagined that.

I sit down and am close to tears. I will go home, also. But home will be a point on the map with an unfamiliar name attached to it. No friends, no family. A new area, a new hospital. Some would consider that wonderful chance for a new start. I knew people envying me for the new starts I constantly had the opportunity to make. I don't think anybody in this tent would want to treat his future for mine. But I am old army brat. I will manage. I kick myself again. Come on Margaret. It is not the first time.

Klinger announces his wedding and I am glad for him. I really am. He such a sweet man. Everybody laughs and cheers and the party is over, but nobody wants to leave. We are digging in being with each other that last night. I don't know where he is, probably talking to BJ still. I don't look around to find him. I am too scared to even see him. At one point I cannot take it any longer. I silently get up, slide through the nurses standing around and hurry to my tent. I throw myself onto my cot, bury my face in my pillow and cry. Tears wetting the cloth. The familiar smell of that pillow makes me cry even harder. I don't want to leave. I don't want to leave them, leave him behind.

We have become so much more than just colleges. Friends. Best friends. He seems to know me better, than anyone else. His eyes looking into the depth of my soul. Sometimes I hated him for not just leaving me alone, when all I wanted was to forget. But he was there, his eyes staring at me. Waiting. Questioning. Insisting, but gentle. He knew, I wanted to talk, but he also knew how hard it was to talk for me. So he would stay, waiting. Then I would talk and he would hold me. My mascara would stain his shirt, but never did he mind. Earlier, in the mess tent his eyes starred at me questioningly. But it was different that time. They seemed to be so longingly and he seemed to be so small. I wonder what they were asking.

I shift and wrap my arms around my knees, pulling them to my chin. I wished he would be here now. Holding me, comforting me. He always managed to stop my tears. I already do miss him. I cannot imagine being without him. But then again, could I be with him? As a friend? As a lover, a wife? No. I shake my head. I am too scared to be loved by him and too scared to just be friends with him. He will go back and find himself a nice girl. Not someone like me and I need to forget him. And I will take my chance and start a new life. And maybe, I will find someone to love. Someone who loves me. Someone not to break my heart. Time given.

Slowly the tears stop and somehow I manage to fall asleep. The morning is gorgeous. Bright sunshine. I take a shower to wash away the tears of the night. I wash my hair. I want to look good. Looking good makes me feel better. The wedding ceremony is beautiful and I catch the bouquet. My nurses cheer, I smile but I am not superstitious. I know that I am not going to marry for a long time. I need to forget too much, before I can think of being with a man again. Donald, Scully and him. First and foremost him. Most likely only him, for he made me forget the others.

And then we part. I watch my nurses climbing on the truck from a distance. They were good girls. Finest kind, as he would put it. I climb onto the jeep, it takes all my power not to cry. And than Charles and Rizzo are coming over. Charles is such an asshole. Snobby, arrogant, selfish idiot! I do not want to talk to him. I am probably ruder to him, than he deserved. And when he pulls out that little red book I notice that he is not that bad after all. "Stay in touch" and a number is written on the first page. I smile at him brightly and tears are welling in my eyes, when he kisses my hand.

BJ, Potter. I cannot stop my tears from falling now. I look to the side, feeling his eyes on me. Finally I look up, our eyes locking. I don't know what to say. He seems to be nervous, looking to the side, and then we are torn into each others arms magically. We kiss, longingly, not wanting to stop, staying like that forever. The kiss is bittersweet. After what seems to be an eternity, but still too soon, we part. He slips something into my hand. "So long" .. "See you". That is it. I climb onto the jeep and wave the driver to get going. I turn around, wave. My other hand closed around the thing he slipped into my palm.

After an hour we arrive at the 8063rd. Everybody is very busy there and a Corporal takes me and my belongings to a tent. The Colonel is busy and will see me, when he is ready. I should take the time to make myself at home. With that he leaves me alone. I walk to the cot to sit down. Everything is familiar here, even the smell. I open my hand to find a small piece of paper in it. Accurately folded. I open it to stare at the few words written on it. "I love you, and always will." I am sitting on the cot, not knowing what to do, what to think. I can almost hear him whisper those words to me.

Suddenly somebody is knocking on my door, bringing me back to the camp. I do not know for how long I have been sitting there. I fold the paper and slide it into my pocket and call the person who knocked to enter. The Colonel greets me. The following days are busy, packing stuff, closing down the camp. We are working hard and I am glad for that. Working keeps me from thinking. Thinking takes me back to him and I cannot think clearly now. In the night I stare at the note he left me and my thoughts are wandering to ifs and whats. He loves me. Always. I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to run to him but then again, I am just to scared. I have been burnt too often and he has quite a history.

Ten days later I am in Tokyo. Same thoughts keeping me from sleeping. I meet some old friends. Talking, laughing, eating, drinking. But whenever I open the door to my room there is only one person I think about. I know that I love him, have loved him a while. I am desperate for him. Life without him is only dull. But I don't seem to be able to go to him. I cry myself to sleep every night. I am talking to no one about him. After two weeks I am being transferred back to the States. They cannot offer me a suitable assignment right away and offer me to take six week off. They pay me and I decide to visit my friend Lorraine.

Lorraine is wonderful. I enjoy staying with her and her husband for two weeks. We talk and have fun together. I smile, take it easy. She notices that something is not perfectly ok with me, but does not press on telling her. She knows I will. Time given. I know, I won't. Not this time. This decision is on me alone. Nobody can make it for me. I call my parents and ask for the summerhouse. It is a nice and beautiful house on the beach. We have come there, since I was five, spending joyful summers there. Probably the only time we were a real family. Dad would relax and be easy.

I am taking long walks on the beach in the morning and in the evening, avoiding the tourist crowds still occupying the beach in the afternoon. I don't want to be amongst people. Amongst strangers. Being amongst strangers make one feel even lonelier. I lie on my bed, staring holes into the ceiling. I sit on the porch looking over the beach. I am trying, trying so hard to think straightly. But I cannot. He tears me apart. I want to be with him. But I cannot. I love him, but I am just to scared. Being loved by him scares me to death. What if ... and what if. What if he doesn't love me enough? What if I scare him away again? What if he gets bored with me? What if? What if? What if? I cannot take the risk of being loved by him, because losing him would kill me. So, better don't risk anything!

And then the nightmares started. The only thing I saw were his eyes. Questioning, pleading, nothing more. But he was staring at me so intensely, I couldn't face them, but neither could I look away. It was the same look, he gave me in the mess tent and all of a sudden I knew, what he was asking back then. Later he seemed to move away, he seems to be drowning. Same eyes, even more pleading. I wake up sweating, crying. I feel dreadfully. It gets harder to get up in the mornings. I stay in my pyjamas until the middle of the afternoon. Some days I do not leave the house at all. A depressive cloud is hanging over me. The sun is shining, but I cannot bear her. I start to leave the house only when the sun is finally down. And then the only thing I do is getting something to eat. One day I get a letter from the army, informing me about my new post, telling me where and when to be.

And suddenly I know. I clean the house, pack my bags, get myself a ticket to Houston. I walk into the army base, straight to the commander and ask for my discharge. He is a friend of my father. I have been knowing him ever since I was a kid. He asks for reasons and I beg him just to fill in the demission. He is a good and gentle old man. He wants to know, whether I am sure, whether a longer holiday would do. I am sure. I know what I want. I know where I am headed to. Maybe, for the first time in my life, what I want and what I do are the same. When I leave the base I feel free. The weight is gone, the cloud disappeared. I am having diner with my fathers friend and his wife. They insist on me staying the night in their guestroom instead of sleeping in a hotel room. The next day, I am off to Boston.

Stepping out of the plane I smile and think of Charles. He must be happy to be back. Boston is a nice city, for sure, but I am headed elsewhere. I get onto a train to Portland. When I get off I wrap my jacket around my shoulders. It is already quite chilly in Maine. I catch a bus to Crabapple Cove. I have a strange feeling in my stomach and I feel more and more frighten the closer we come to my final destination. I am starting to have my doubts. Fear is coming over me. I wonder at my courage. I wonder if I were insane. Next stop, Crabapple Cove. I get off the bus, my handbag over the shoulder, and only a small bag in my right hand.

An old lady got off also. Her husband was waiting for her. They stare at me. Seems Crabapple Cove is not used to having strangers around. I look around, not knowing what to do. The old man addresses me friendly. He is wearing a checked shirt and woolen cap. He asks me, where I was headed and his smile brightens, when I tell him, that I came to see Doctor Pierce. They offer me to take me with them and drop me at the Pierce Residence. He is a fisher and his wife just came home from visiting her grandkids. We drive along an alley and suddenly he stops and points to a large house. I gasp at the beauty of that sight. He offers me to take me to the door. I thank him, but I want to go there alone.

I wave them goodbye. I now know, why he always longed to be back. People here are so different from people I know. Everything is calm. It is dark outside, but there is some light coming from the door and some of the windows on the ground floor. I slowly walk up the stairs. I take a deep breath and ring. My throat is tightening. I hear slow, heavy steps coming closer. A key is turned and then the door opens slowly. Light falls onto me and leaves the face of the man, that just opened the door, in the dark. He looks at me questioningly, and suddenly he seems to recognize me. He calls may name and leads me into the house, before I even have the chance to say "hello".

He looks at me and smiles brightly. Oh how I love this smile. He introduces himself and tells me how glad he is, that I came. I shake my head, not understanding, what is going on. He knows me from the pictures his son sent him. He takes my coat and tells me about Hawkeye, about how bad he is doing and how worried he is and instantly leads me up the wide stairs to the upper floor. He asks me, whether I love Hawkeye and whether I am going to stay. Tears well up in my eyes, while nodding. He opens a door and gently pushes me into a room. I look back at him, but he just smiles, nods and then closes the door.

I look at the figure lying on the bed. He doesn't move. He must be asleep. I only see his silhouette. I slowly walk to the bed to stand next to the his head. Now I can see, that he isn't asleep. His eyes, full of tears, focus on me. Now I am starting to cry even harder. He holds out his hand. I take it. He moves to give me some space and pulls me down to him. I get rid of my shoes and let myself be pulled next to him. He instantly slides his arms around my waist and pulls me even closer. We cling to each other in desperation, crying out all the pain. Crying out all the need for each other. The warmth of his body wraps me like a blanket. I hear his heart beating and its steady rhythm comforts me. He loosens his grip and pushes me away a little to look into my eyes. I stare into his. I can see all his desperation, but deep down, I can see all his love for me. He is all I need. I open my mouth. "I love you". My voice, barely above a whisper. He smiles tenderly. "I love you also." Then he pulls me closer again and kisses me softly. His lips barely touching me he gives me the sweetest kiss ever. "I want to be with you always" he whispers. "And I don't want to leave you anymore. I'll go wherever you will go" I answers.

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_This is story is dedicated to all those who are lonely. There is someone waiting for you somewhere. Someone to be loved. Someone that loves you. I know it takes a lot of courage to go out and make yourself vulnerable again. But we should never give up, finding true love. It is better to find true love and lose it, then to never have felt it. _

_Happy Valentine's Day to you all._

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Thanks for reading my story! Please review - I am desperate for your opinion. (But be gentle, I am not a native speaker. Don't even live in an englishspeaking country.)

If you did like the story, please also read "Wherever you will go", published some time earlier on this site. It is Hawkeye's POV to this story.

_Thanks to celticmaggie4077 for just pressing me a little to write a new story and to all who reviewd my last story._


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